The Greatest Of These..

Is Love.
My thoughts today aren't so much about mushy romantic love, but pure love of something or someone. The kind of love that covers sins and kicks down gates of hell. The kind of love that over rides dysfunction and tells the beast inside to FO because this love prevents me from taking anyone down with me.
A life of change is always changing. Thoughts are always popping in and running their course, lately, this is mine. As sad as it is, I have to actually train my mind to focus and realize that those around me or even the goals I would love to set for myself are so much more important than feeding the beast, the beast must wait. I would actually Love it if this was the norm for me. If my mind would instantly realize, "we don't go there. We don't hurt others." However, it was never trained to think that, so I have to train it now. And now... And now. Every few minutes as the beast pokes me with his boney elbow and says, "man, wouldn't that be good? or fun?" the retrained mind, and heart says, a resounding NO! We don't do that.
I can imagine people reading this thinking, sheesh, what an asshole.. and they would be right. However, the desire to not be something is the first step in becoming something else. There are many reasons we are what we became and that is good intel; but in the end, it's up to me to re-train my thinking, my actions.
In the early days of recovery, I thought my drinking was first on my list of don't do's. I thought that would be the thing that needed attacked first. What I found though was that it was lust that had to go. Go figure. The reason I mention that is because I can still recall how active that was of a process. How I had to actively replace those thoughts with other thoughts. It was almost non-stop for about nine months. As time went by though, the time lapse between the sick thought and the healthy one shortened. Therefore, I know from experience this can be done. As in all matters of this human experience, God can do in us whatever we are willing to let Him do.
It really pisses me off to have to put this much effort into reminding myself, "no, I love that person/ I love that goal/ I love that God" more than I love that drink or that lust buzz. But hey, it's either that or live the rest of my life the way I lived the first of it.
I pray Gods voice gets louder each day. Like a laser guided smart bomb from Heaven, I pray for resources from above to target me and explode in my mind each time the beast tries to insert himself between me and the people and things I love.
Let it be so.

For The Love Of The Right Thing

Roller coastering a bit these days.
Mostly all is very well. The kids and I just spent three long days together snowed in. (I sure do miss my old 4wd truck) We have had the fireplace going, marshmallows toasting and we went out two days sledding using a boogie board that I waxed down really well. We had a blast. It has been quite a blessing to have had them during this time.
The down periods have been the result of having to get back on one of my wagons. To pick up the sword again and do battle against my desires. I had become a rationalizer again. Doing the right thing was escaping me. The worst part of coming out of those phases is simply taking a stand with those who just don't get that you need to. Such are the consequences of choosing the easy way.
So, as I watch my "girls" wrestle on the floor in front of me, I feel blessed to be back on a road of better choices. I am focusing again on the year to come and the blessings I know will be there if I choose obedience instead of selfishness.
I was speaking to a dear friend last week how I had commented once that it seems I love nothing enough to keep bad choices from keeping me from that thing.
I have given up so many things I loved for brief encounters with either booze or women or food. Brief encounters that were just enough to take me away from the hard work of the guitar, the word of God or a relationship that really meant something.
As this year of Jubilee marches on and I pray for the blessings contained in it, I pray each morning and each night for His strength and His voice to call to me, to convict me of what the next right thing is and enough love of righteousness to do it.

2010

Well, the year roles on and so far, so good. Life is good, my children are happy. Its good to be where I am. I feel happy these days.
I still struggle, still mess up sometimes, but the beatings have stopped. I get up, I move on. I judge my progress by my standards alone.
The step study I am helping with goes well. I did miss today's because of the ice and snow.
I may be blessed this year to teach a class using my favorite book, No More Christian Nice Guy. That will be a hoot.
My training program took a bad hit over the holidays, but it was fun. I will get back to it this coming week.
So, pretty boring post huh?
No drama, no trauma.. but I like it that way.
Its Saturday night, I spent the day cleaning, reading, helping a friend move furniture, made some pretty nasty homemade pizza crust (still experimenting) now I'm alone, sitting and typing more dribble. Thing is, I'm alone but not terribly lonely for now. That could change in the next ten minutes, but I will deal with that then.
Things are looking up and I see great things on the horizon.

Life Alone

Struggling a bit lately with being alone, and don't give me the standard "you are never alone" sermon, yes, I am well aware of that; I count on that. The logistics of being alone is tough for starters. All the laundry, dishes, cooking, shopping, cleaning, playing, scolding, teaching is on me. I actually love all that stuff, but it sure can be exhausting and emptying.
Daddy needs attention too, ya know?
But for the time being, I deal with it as best I can; get things done and keep on moving.
I was smiled at by a pretty lady at Walmart today. Whenever that happens, it certainly makes me feel good to be noticed, but it also makes me sad. I still go home alone, eat alone and worship alone.
I have lady friends I care about but no time to be around them. Usually I am pretty OK, just not right now. I logically know I have much to give, I'm not a bad looking guy, I'm healthy and all that; I just feel God has me on hold. Don't ask me why, it's just a feeling. But that feeling doesn't conquer the feeling of not wanting to sleep by myself or eat breakfast and have coffee. It don't come close to putting aside the feelings of physical, animal desire. (part of that being healthy thing)
Well, back to living. Got clothes to wash, kids and mine. I just sat here and sewed one of my girls purse strap back on. You know how performing the mundane and routine makes an addict crazy. My mind starts down that path of "is this it for me?" Barbies, Polly pockets, combing hair, school lunches and folding little pj's and panties? I crave time with a an adult, doing adult things. I crave fun and playfulness.
I crave my God as well. It took me some time to come to grips with the 2 coexisting. Like most of us, I was taught they can't exist together, Life in the spirit and healthy sexuality, but they absolutely can and should. We aren't robots, we are His creation. We run a program He gave us. Granted, our enemy hacked our program and got it all virused up, but it's still a big part of who I am. Shoving it down and ignoring it, especially alone, is very very hard.
Especially when out shopping in a crowded store.
But, I'm home, alone.. doing all that has to be done. Again.

On a side note, and certainly more possitive one, I feel my fire returning. I feel ready to pick my sword back up and get back in the fight. A brother at church seems to have picked up the battle where I left it a few monthes ago. He is on fire and his fire is lighting me again.
Sometimes I wonder if where I was then is not part of what knocked me down, or rather, the reason I got knocked down. The other army doesn't stop fighting when we fight back. Another reason why being alone is hard, you fight alone.
But it is coming back. I feel a bit of a renewed strength in me to let go of some bonds and kick down some gates.

Jubilee

Well, its another year almost. Amazing the speed they are flying by these days.Each year for the past few years, I proclaim (mostly to myself) this will be my "Year of Jubilee". Now, my knowledge of the history and details of what that means is basically none. However, I do know it is a year of restoration and in some circles was considered to happen every fifty years. Hmm, well, I'm fifty. (Raising my hand like Arnold Horshack) Actually, I guess I am in my fifty first year of living, but I won't split hairs. So, what the heck, it's become a tradition of sorts for me so I might as well keep it up eh?
So this will be my year of Jubilee. Two Thousand Ten will be the year my recovery, my spirit, my heart and my attitude are fully restored to that state God intended them to be when I poked my head out 50 years ago. Hows that? Lets see if I can stretch the potential of this year being just such a year a little more. 2010, 10 is 50% of 20, there's that 50 again. That settles it, this is it.
Actually, I take this declaration more seriously than it appears here. I firmly believe that out of our own mouths we can speak blessings or curses on ourselves and others. I gave up cursing myself long ago. There may be an occasional bout of "what a wretched man am I", but mostly, I choose to speak something that blesses. I choose to receive that which blesses. I choose to ignore the fact I don't deserve those blessings.To you who read this stuff regularly and those who stumble in, I speak to you and onto your lives that 2010 be your years. I speak that 2009 was the last year of your sickness, dysfunctions and old tapes playing in your minds. 2010 will be the years you all see your life restored. Your families, your spirits and your hope.In the name of Jesus I declare these blessings on us all. Let it be so.

A Good Day

My girls got us a new addition to our little kitchen table Christmas village. I am sitting, listening to them in there playing with it and making up scenarios with all the little figurines. It's a good night, it has been a good day. I took off today and went grocery shopping then went to get them from school. My oldest has been a real pleasure to me today helping me do a few chores around the house, what a blessing when those rare times come.
I have spent the day in my mind pondering. Remembering the last few years and comparing them to how life is now. It isn't as I hope it will be, but it is so very good and I am very blessed.
As I continue to battle in my mind with thought processes that are very addictive, I remind myself of the progress made, every little ounce of it because when I see all God has done, I recall Phil. 1:6 and know that He will do more. He isn't finished and neither am I.
I grow anxious for change and a stable mind. I grow even more anxious for a consistantly fired up spirit. I have struggled much lately with a spirit that has dulled. I feel it coming back as I change my routine.
I have let myself become swamped with the day to day. Reversing that is big time tough, but very doable. It just takes a lot of prayer and good friends.
So tonight, despite the fact my ex-wife just texted asking me if I made the deposit (child support) I am un-moved in my contentment. See, thats the game. She already knows I haven't yet by looking at the account online, so she is baiting me. She also knows that as I always do and always will, will make it soon. Even in that little episode, progress arises and shows me how change has taken place. I don't have to play others games, and won't.
Progress can be huge or small, but its all good and should be celebrated. If we have those near us who don't see, its ok. For every one that doesn't, there are many more that do and as long as we see it in ourselves, that really is enough.

Playing Catch Up

Well, the journey continues; as I assume it always will. 50 came and went without any meltdowns, so that's a good thing.
The struggle lately is just learning to live I suppose. Tough to go from a dead man to a live one and know what to do next. I always knew what to do then, the wrong thing. It was easy.
Apparently it's much harder now to do the right thing, or rather, knowing what it is. The thing I've noticed is that, the right thing usually seems to be nothing. The trick is figuring out why doing nothing is so hard. Why was doing something, anything so easy. Granted, 9 times out of 10 is was the wrong thing to do, but still.
To some degree, but improving, I have really slumped spiritually. The fire doesn't seem to stay lit very long sometimes. Much of that is due to isolation, I realize that. The battles are so much harder alone. The periods where my spirit is on fire are generally periods when there are others in the same fight. However, most of my others have lives and wives and families and jobs and all that stuff that eats up time. Invading their time is just not something I can do.
Slowly but surely though, the fire seems to be coming back and I find I am able to keep my mind on track for longer periods of time.
I desperately want to pick that sword back up, but man it sure feels heavy all the sudden.
I have been very blessed of late to have my girls around me much more than normal and I will have them for a week while their mom and latest husband go on their honeymoon. I am looking forward to it. They are comfortable here now and it gives me more opportunities to put things in them that I never got put into me. It gives me memory building time with them.
None of this leaves me much time with lady friends, which may be a good thing actually. Its tough to get to know anyone though. Plans change a lot and for now, I am finding it very important to build a solid base with them. Not cater to them, but just be present in their lives. Snuggling on the couch watching the same TV show for the hundredth time means something to them and that is what I intend to do. The ladies I know now know that and fortunately, appreciate it. It does get lonely though and my brain can still only take so many Barbie dolls and board games, hair brushing, meal fixing, clothes washing, dishes washing and whatever little surprise thing that crops up that needs doing. I do get where I crave an adult and some adult time. Its not easy alone but its worse to settle for something in order to not be. Sometimes though, even loneliness is a blessing. So, the game plan is the same now as it has been for almost 4 years now, sit still, pay attention and keep trying to do that next right thing.

My Favorite Song. My Favorite Singers.

Five Oh

As the hammer draws back on 50, I have absolutely nothing of value to say about it. No words of wisdom to jot down. All that is on my mind today is how plans get thwarted. Visions and dreams can change in the batting of an eye.
I had planned a party that got pushed aside and away. I had planned a life that was done the same way.
I struggle these days with deeply feeling anything. In dysfunction, I felt many things and now, I feel very little; whats up with that? Very little strikes my core.
In dysfunction I was in the habit of thinking every little thing was sent from God. The right thing or the right place to be. Now, the thought of having that thought again scares the living daylights out of me. It's like the kiss of death to actually believe that a thing is Gods will for me.
In the early days of recovery, for me anyway, even in the midst of such pain, things seemed so clear. The lessons came daily and the reasons why seemed more obvious. Now, very little is clear.
Life has become a battle at every turn. I battle my girls mother over the simplest and stupidest of things. I battle close friends over my faith because they don't understand the battle with my ex-wife.
I battle boredom and lust. I battle to make sure my children are happy and whole little people. I battle the fact that at 50 years old with two young children, children that should be grandchildren, the odds of a real, deeply felt relationship would make the bravest Vegas traveler cringe. People my age are grandparents. They raised theirs and are moving on now. They lack the patience for rowdy young ones.
Those my age I have learned, are very set in their ways. They are hunkered down in their homes and they have no will to change that. They are tied to their routines and they don't want them messed with.
So, when I wake tomorrow, I will be 50. My life more than half over. My blessings are many. My confusion is immense. For the first time in a long time, I feel my age. I don't like it.
This isn't the life I had in mind at this age. Its not a bad life I suppose; it just isn't the one I would choose. Although, I guess it is the one I chose.

Programmed

So much stuff. Good lessons lately. Burdens lifted. Guilt released. Journeys affirmed.After carrying the burden of blame for quite some time regarding my marriage busting up, even though its busting up never really bugged me too bad, I have been aided in letting go of 50% of that burden, and now share it.My marriage was one where, like many of my relationships, all I did was wrong and all they did was right, and I let myself believe that. It's easy when "programmed" by programs to spout off buzz phrases that suggest we should just know that we are not always wrong, but getting a little proof sure don't hurt.My ex-wife, who has no use for recovery or self change, has decided to remarry a brief 2 years after divorcing. This is as an insane a pattern as there is. Its one of those behaviors that when you see it you think to yourself, I am a mess, but that's crazy. It tells me the road I am on is a rocky one, but the right one. It affirms what I was already learning, I wasn't the whole problem and my actions were not solely responsible for all the problems.
Another revelation of late is that as helpful and necessary as recovery programs are, they can be as addictive as all other Drugs of Choice. They can be breeding grounds for CoDA's to stay CoDA's and get their fixes by being right, whether they are right or not. It's easy to get a high from being heard and viewed as the one with the answers. It is similar to the reason that so many from Programs move into counseling careers. It becomes a way to control and be looked up to and heard. Not so much for the one reaching out as the one "helping" out. I was handed an opportunity recently to help lead a step study and I agreed. I have decided this will be all I participate in within the Program. After seeing an example of how robotic and entrenched one can become in being well, I am not sure I want to be that well nor consumed with being that healthy. I find it arrogant, exclusive and quite frankly, boring.
Jesus came so that we can have a full life. I am finding it tough right now to see how lingering in a perpetual state of looking for all the right answers and seeking this mysterious place of perfect mental and emotional health is living life. For me, it's certainly not a full life.
I am well aware that this is not the generally accepted school of thought in recovery, but that's pretty normal for me. My experiences are teaching me something though; life is blowing by while I pursue answers. There must be a point where you quit trying to be best and have all the answers, and you simply live in abundance.I have honest friends who can hold me to my words, I have a Savior who died so I can live, I have children who need me and I have a place to simply help those who are just starting their own process. I am having a hard time seeing what the "Program" gains me. I don't want to be the guy with all the right answers or healthy come backs, I'd rather be the guy who actually hears the questions and what is truly being said.