Programmed

So much stuff. Good lessons lately. Burdens lifted. Guilt released. Journeys affirmed.After carrying the burden of blame for quite some time regarding my marriage busting up, even though its busting up never really bugged me too bad, I have been aided in letting go of 50% of that burden, and now share it.My marriage was one where, like many of my relationships, all I did was wrong and all they did was right, and I let myself believe that. It's easy when "programmed" by programs to spout off buzz phrases that suggest we should just know that we are not always wrong, but getting a little proof sure don't hurt.My ex-wife, who has no use for recovery or self change, has decided to remarry a brief 2 years after divorcing. This is as an insane a pattern as there is. Its one of those behaviors that when you see it you think to yourself, I am a mess, but that's crazy. It tells me the road I am on is a rocky one, but the right one. It affirms what I was already learning, I wasn't the whole problem and my actions were not solely responsible for all the problems.
Another revelation of late is that as helpful and necessary as recovery programs are, they can be as addictive as all other Drugs of Choice. They can be breeding grounds for CoDA's to stay CoDA's and get their fixes by being right, whether they are right or not. It's easy to get a high from being heard and viewed as the one with the answers. It is similar to the reason that so many from Programs move into counseling careers. It becomes a way to control and be looked up to and heard. Not so much for the one reaching out as the one "helping" out. I was handed an opportunity recently to help lead a step study and I agreed. I have decided this will be all I participate in within the Program. After seeing an example of how robotic and entrenched one can become in being well, I am not sure I want to be that well nor consumed with being that healthy. I find it arrogant, exclusive and quite frankly, boring.
Jesus came so that we can have a full life. I am finding it tough right now to see how lingering in a perpetual state of looking for all the right answers and seeking this mysterious place of perfect mental and emotional health is living life. For me, it's certainly not a full life.
I am well aware that this is not the generally accepted school of thought in recovery, but that's pretty normal for me. My experiences are teaching me something though; life is blowing by while I pursue answers. There must be a point where you quit trying to be best and have all the answers, and you simply live in abundance.I have honest friends who can hold me to my words, I have a Savior who died so I can live, I have children who need me and I have a place to simply help those who are just starting their own process. I am having a hard time seeing what the "Program" gains me. I don't want to be the guy with all the right answers or healthy come backs, I'd rather be the guy who actually hears the questions and what is truly being said.

Hunting Focus

I sat through an hour and a half of a meeting yesterday that shoved me clean over the edge. In my 28.5 years with the same company, I have sat through more of these type things than I can remember and not a single one of them has ever made an ounce of difference. Grand plans by people in suits speaking a form of English that might as well not be English because I only managed to pick out two words the whole time and they were Bull and Shit. The problem wasn't the grand plans to change everything, I like change and in this economy, its a good thing to try something different, but it dawned on me, I don't work for an American company anymore. I have little to no say as to what happens and other than our paychecks that we spend here, the rest goes to France. But that's only the tip of my iceberg right now. I sat there thinking, is this it? Is this my abundant life? I will be fifty next month and right now all I can see is a very long string of bad choices taking me down wrong paths and ending me up here. I pulled up a website of a local college and printed off the Pre-Med curriculum.(25 years and 2 children too late) Lets see, if I started out with the chemistry courses and knocked them out first, that's about 4 years right there. Then, I move on to biology, there's another 5. Hey, I could be a doctor by 70. My regrets right now are piling up like firewood. I lived for the moment from 23 till 46. Living for the next party, the next woman, the next whatever that would make me feel good for that moment and this is where it got me, stranded trying to find a way to live with it. Trying to salvage something of value before its all over. There are no words to describe how intensely I hate the addictive side of me. I confess there is little to Gods word I really understand, but when Paul writes he is wretched and does the things he doesn't want to do and doesn't do the things he wants to do, I hear it loud and clear.
Over three years ago, my recovery was launched because a young man, a man I only knew as a two year old boy and lost track of until his sudden death at age 28, touched me deeply by just how much he had accomplished in 28 years. I sat at his funeral in awe of all he had done. I sat there then thinking the same things I am thinking now, what a waste my own life has been. I carry his obituary in my wallet, but it hasn't done a lot of good. I decided back then that at the very least, I would learn to play music. I started. Have I accomplished anything with it in three years? No. Not really. Certainly not what I could have by now. I start out on fire, and very quickly my fire dies. The rest of my life then invades or the addict living in me wakes up and sends me of on a tangent of lust and my dream takes a back seat. Eventually the dream gets off the bus completely. I see this happening as clearly as I see this screen in front of me. can I stop it? Apparently not. I have never seemed to love anything enough to not let other things stop me from loving it.I hate it so much.

I don't want to end this post on that note however. This is how I feel today, but I don't want all this stuff to leave an impression that I give up. I don't. I just don't know what to do about it right now. Nor do I believe this is where God will leave me. This is just where I am right now, facing the truth and really discouraged over it. But the battle isn't over yet and I don't even own a white flag.

Choices

I haven't written in awhile because I haven't had anything to say really. I'm not too sure I do now, but anywho.This morning I woke with a fire in my belly. Man, I like it when that happens and it sure doesn't happen enough. I have a month and a half to accomplish a goal, odds are slim, but I am ready to pour it on and get it done. I have been exercising pretty hard now for over a year and making good progress as well as chasing away the blues; but I have also been eating late at night and continuing to medicate boredom and loneliness with food. I woke today with a fire to get serious. Theres a six pack in here ready to come out if I can get this cooler out of the way. No more peanut butter and crackers or ice cream at 9:30 at night. The other fire I feel burning in me is recovery related, man I am sick of it. There has been great progress in so many areas, but what I seem to fight most now is me and my attitude. I know in my core that each morning I make a choice to live this day full or half ass'd. A very negative friend of mine I know through CR posted something on Facebook this morning and it is rather typical of him which is why he tends to stay stagnated. It was a picture of a cat, soaked to the bone as if it just had a bath. It was a pathetic looking sight and considering my feelings towards cats, kinda funny. His comment however was, something to the affect of, "This about sums up my day"..good grief dude, the day just started. Start your day with those words and you will live the day that way. He made a choice though. God help me to make a different one. Why is it so hard for us to chose good thoughts over the depressing crap we as addicts tend to chose? Its just a choice, right? Thoughts lead to actions and actions eventually turn to habits. Why do we curse ourselves with bad thoughts? There is always another choice.

Always a Dull Moment

Well, the three year mark has come and gone. It's funny, I looked forward to it like some sort of holiday. Holidays ain't what they use to be.Struggling lately, what's new? Mostly I see my life and maybe my youth blowing by me like the Road Runner..beep beep. The days just tick by now. Go to work, go get the kids, fix dinner, take bathes, go to bed. Get up, go to work..and on and on. My brain is in craving mode. My body is in full blown heat and I am like some bored observer at a tennis match. There are some spiritual victories lately and I am not blind to just how greatly blessed I am but none of that overcomes this churning inside to get nuts. I honestly believe if I were to jump from a plane, wait till about 500 feet above ground to open my chute, that by that night I would be bored again. What's up with that? The nights are bad. During the day it's tolerable, but at night; I just toss and turn. I try reading, praying; but nothing takes the anxiety away. Every day at lunch I lift weights or go jogging to wear my body out. I am tired at night, but my heart rate is up and I feel like a cat stuck in an empty room without a toy in sight. Every fiber in my being is screaming to play. Never a dull moment... so why do I feel so dull?

Life and Death and Growing Up

I had to tell my two little girls tonight that our puppy, CoDA was hit by a car and was dead. I didn't have time to get over it myself, yet had to be daddy for them.
It was one of the hardest things I have had to do, sober.
I see now the value in being present in spirit, mind and body for them.
It was hard enough to go to the street, in the dark and rain and carry her lifeless body to the house, wrap her up and bury her in the back yard; telling my daughters was worse.
Their lives have had too much go wrong in such a short time, all I could think of was can't they at least have a puppy.
I feel a huge amount of guilt right now for not having her tied up.
I feel I have let my children down as well as the dog.. but, I am feeling it.
I hate it, I am sick at my stomach, but I am feeling it.

Three Years

Three long, painful, messy years. And worth every second.
Praise be to God.

It's all about the Power

It's all about the Power.

I posted this from my phone during a CR meeting last night so it was short and sweet. This is where my head is lately however. If the gates of hell can't stand against us, why do we stand around waiting defensively?

"Matthew 28:18Then Jesus came to them and said, "All power in heaven and on earth has been given to me."

Powerful

I don't mean to seem like I am promoting a band, but this music is getting to me lately. This was very well done and I find it powerful. Oh, and the list that runs by at the first sums up my past.

This Morning

I'm not sure what's up with the water works lately but I had them again this morning.

I was blessed to have my little girls this morning. I woke them up singing to them a stupid song I made up. We got ready for school early enough for them to play a bit before leaving.
I got them to school. We prayed for a good day on the way. I kissed them, blessed them and headed to work.
I turned on a cd and scanned till something caught my ear. The song in the previous post did.
Before I knew it, thoughts of being formerly dead and blind came to my mind and I saw just how blessed I am to be here. The tears ran down my face as I drove in.
Most likely, if you are reading stuff like this, you are one of those people. Those people looked down on in certain circles for where you have been or who you have been, or in the eyes of many, what you have been.
Today, I am glad to be one and grateful for what I was, and mostly, for what I am now. Actually, what I am now is what I was all along, I just didn't know it.

Says it All