Being Made New

Just a day

2012-01-13T09:22:00.001-06:00

Weird place today. So much that I don't understand. The past seven months has been a bit of a blur and though I am reasonably content with life, there is a good size hole still left in me. I still remember things, I still find I care and I struggle still to let go, to not act on my thoughts or dreams. It doesn't seem to matter how busy I keep myself or how many good books I read or friends I

Walking Wounded

2012-01-05T08:28:00.000-06:00

At times I think I see what Moses was up against. Trying to lead of bunch of misfits chained up in old ways of thinking and missing the comforts of their former chains. People afraid to break free and take what is theirs because it's just more comfy to stay bound than it is to do something different. It has become crystal clear to me lately how much of life has been wasted and I refuse to waste

Already?

2011-12-27T14:39:00.000-06:00

So, here we go again. Didn't we just do this New Year thing a few weeks ago? Sure does seem like it. Well, lets see, what's new? On the surface not a whole lot really, however, inside and behind the visible scenes there is a lot. For sometime now, and not as any form of boast, I have sustained the longest period of feeling a sense of wholeness in me. There's been no shortage of tests this past

Undone

2011-11-18T08:57:00.002-06:00

As another birthday draws close, I start into reflection mode, as usual. I heard a song this morning by Rush of Fools titled Undo. I had heard it a few times before but today was just one of those days when I heard the words. Granted, much of what I had become has been undone, but when I near another year older, I can't seem to help but notice there is more to be undone and at times, that which

No News is Know News

2011-11-15T12:03:00.000-06:00

Well, there isn't really much to write about lately. Certainly nothing of any real value to any ones recovery journey. I spend my time lately just keeping busy, which I thoroughly hate, to keep the beast at bay. I find myself "in the zone" lately. The zone of constant hormonal rage and battle. It comes and goes, that's nothing new. The only thing new these days is how I deal with it. I suppose

Haunted

2011-10-17T09:28:00.000-05:00

Although the weekend was good all in all, I was once again reminded by one of the "reminders", just how bad my past was and just how everyone that matters to me remembers. Who are the reminders? Reminders are a group of people who have taken on the duty of reminding me of who I am, well, to them, who I am. It's their job and they are good at it. They like to point out to me each mistake,

Of all the weird things

2011-10-12T12:03:00.000-05:00

So, Google has on their page this morning that it's Art Clokey's, the creator of Gumby, birthday. My mind has since been flooded with some really fond memories since I saw that. I would spend hours with ole Gumby and Pokey as a boy in imaginative adventures alone in my room in North Nashville. In comparison to the majority of my memories of that time in life, it is really nice to have a good one.

Risk

2011-10-06T08:45:00.001-05:00

There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But

Being New, Living New

2011-10-04T14:59:00.000-05:00

Much of what I write lately probably doesn't seem recovery related. At least that is a thought I thought sitting in almost two hours of traffic this morning. People really drive with their heads up their butts.. I digress. Anyway, then the thought hit me, much of what seems to come out in this blog now may not seem directly related to recovery, but it is. It is life after recovery. It is the

The Mayor of Bizarreville

2011-09-27T13:12:00.004-05:00

If Bizarreville was a town, I would be the Mayor Ya know how the things you think mean something turn out to mean something totally different? Well, I know what I mean anyway. A few months ago during a fit of the lonlies, I decided to try the online dating thing, after all, it worked so smashingly the first time (sarcasm). My whole experience this time lasted I think 3 days. That was about all

The Hometown Disadvantage

2011-09-20T10:04:00.000-05:00

Despite the reality that in general, I am pretty happy these days, alone still, but happy; there is a sadness on me from watching those around me, some I care deeply for stuck in loops. Repetitively going around the same circle over and over again. They refuse to look even for a second into the depths of what makes them do what they do or think the things they think. It hurts! they say. well,

Five Years

2011-09-14T08:37:00.000-05:00

It's funny how even though we preach a day at a time, somehow we still find a joy in anniversaries. Today is my fifth year sober from alcohol. I am not sure why these markers are a big deal, but somehow they are and 5 seems to be a big one. The battle leading up to this day in the last few months has been intense. The forces that be that seem to manipulate us and circumstances have been really

The F Word

2011-08-19T15:45:00.003-05:00

Friend How pathetic and meaningless we have made this word. I hadn't noticed it to the extreme I have lately, but I have seen examples of just how meaningless a word it is to people. It gets tossed out mostly as a means to get rid of people rather than draw them close; Basically the total opposite of it's true meaning. It's not a real word by those whose words lack substance to start with, it's

Crossroads

2011-08-18T11:05:00.001-05:00

I went last night to say goodbye to an old drinking buddy. Well, he was more than that, but the reality is, we drank a lot. My mind is flooded today. Memories of the distant and recent past whirl around and I am having trouble stopping the twister. My friend lived on his own terms. While God, life and my own failures took me to a path of needed change, my friend simply lived his life. He

Floating, Still

2011-08-17T08:13:00.000-05:00

After a rough couple of days of remembering the losses of the past year or so, I was headed home yesterday and realized that my job now, my only way to freedom for myself is going to be through yet more forgiveness. I focussed and prayed it all last night and will continue to today. The kicker is, within myself, I can't. My mind is flooded with confusion, memories and a lot of anger. So the only

Truth

2011-08-16T10:20:00.003-05:00

Good Stuff. Just passing along and giving myself an easy way to find it again. I like the way this guy teaches and gets to the point.

Confused

2011-08-14T18:15:00.000-05:00

I’m almost 52 years old. I spend my weekends either playing dolls, or taxiing little girls to things that I should be taxiing grandchildren to. My house stays mostly a mess of toys, children’s clothes and towels. I sleep, eat and take care of life around here alone with no prospect and dying hope of that changing. I struggle with the battle to stay sober and travel a journey of change alone as

Bitter Sweet

2011-08-11T10:26:00.001-05:00

In spite of the fact that a true and deeply loved friend is on his way to Texas, it is a good day. Bitter and yet sweet. He needed to go and to try his wings away from us and the security and comfort of the people who know him already. I suppose we all have to try our wings out at some point. I am looking back at the last few months with mixed feelings, mostly good ones, but still mixed. I see

More to Grieve

2011-08-08T08:10:00.004-05:00

My eyes are swollen from crying, my cheeks are sore from grinning this morning from a night of tears and laughing. Losing yet another good friend. Fortunately this time its not the same sort of loss I have grown use to, but still, another loss. About five years ago after years of searching for intimacy and love in every wrong way I could, I discovered them within a group of men. I found real

Reminded

2011-07-30T17:28:00.000-05:00

Reminded of something I had forgotten. The spiritual highs are almost always followed by deep lows. Wondering today why I ever started on this road. Wondering too, why I stay on it when others won't go near it.

Paying Attention

2011-07-27T11:27:00.000-05:00

"A broken heart is so terrible that, according to the Word of God, Jesus Himself has to fix it." I read that statement today in a daily email I get from Divorce Care which I read just to have one more piece of input of goodness each day. Then I went back to read Isaiah 61, probably my most read part of scripture and wondered, how did I miss this? I have focused so much on freedom, the healing

Breaking on Through

2011-07-25T08:17:00.000-05:00

Finally, some breakthrough. I have known for almost 2 months now that there was some victory near, I had no idea what it would look like, just that it was near. The whole control and codependency thing has always been my biggest battle, and although I wouldn't call the war over, most certainly some large, bloody battles have been won. Making new choices now and capturing those thoughts that

Staying in the River

2011-07-22T13:26:00.000-05:00

The more I learn, the more I see how little I know. I don't know if I have posted it here before and I won't bother going to look for it, but I am recalling a lecture once a few years ago from a guy whose name I long forgot at a Celebrate Recovery meeting. His handout was a really bad drawing of a river with words written inside the river. In the river was Peace, Joy, Love, Companionship..stuff

Neglect Kills

2011-07-19T15:23:00.001-05:00

Just a reminder

Empty Words

2011-07-18T08:57:00.000-05:00

I am in mourning. I hate making decisions that hurt. The kind that make my heart empty and sick at my stomach. But I realized I have come to far to be manipulated and lied to. I have spent too much time becoming real and honest to linger around those who are not. I don't like being the bad guy, which is of course what will be assumed, but there comes a time in recovery where you finally learn

Moving On

2011-07-13T09:05:00.000-05:00

Deuteronomy 2:3 You have circled this mountain long enough. Now turn north That verse has come up a few times prior to lately, and lately about 3 times again. I spoke with my counselor 2 weeks ago and she brought up something I had not considered. She said that it is possible I have simply outgrown some of the people I am close to and that becomes very frustrating to me. I have the image this

Neglect

2011-07-12T07:25:00.000-05:00

I have come to the conclusion we water our house plants and feed our pets more than we do each other. Neglect kills. And yet we wonder why.. I guess it's because plants and pets are easy. They take very little work in comparison. The people who love us, not so much. They take time away from all the really important things like work, cleaning, organizing, napping. The people who care for us

Good words

2011-07-03T17:22:00.000-05:00

The call is not to "be a moral man because its decent." The call is to "become a holy man and a warrior, for you are needed in this battle, and if you do not become that man, you will be taken out." The recovery of the warrior is absolutely crucial to the recovery of a man. All else rests on this, for you will have to fight, my brothers, for everything you desire and everything you hold dear in

Wise Counsel

2011-07-01T08:12:00.000-05:00

I haven't been to counseling in awhile but last night I went to bat some things around. I find it odd how many people I encounter who talk about healing and wholeness and know how much they hurt over their past and yet when you mention counseling, out come the excuses. Anyway, we had a good talk and I laid out to her the things that still stir in me and the situations that trigger old tapes.

Good Words

2011-06-28T20:46:00.000-05:00

The heart of the warrior says, "I will not let evil have it's way. There are some things that cannot be endured. I've got to do something. There is freedom to be had." The heart of the warrior says, "I will put myself on the line for you." From Fathered by God. John Eldredge

Questions

2011-06-28T12:43:00.001-05:00

Lunch break and can't jog today in the lightning that's about to hit. Sucks. I'd gotten use to the brain clearing. So, if the latest lesson is grace, now what? What do I do with that? Just sit and look at it? I heard someone say the other night that Grace is power. I asked, what kind? He said, it's power because it brings freedom. That makes sense. Isn't freedom what it's all about? The number

How answers come

2011-06-27T12:36:00.000-05:00

So, I'm on my lunch jog, which wasn't too good after being sick over the weekend, and I am asking God, "so what's this whole last month about anyway? What am I suppose to be learning here?". I may have even used the words, "show me a sign". I sat down for a minute, I was near the building and not really ready to come back in. I looked up a road I hadn't jogged before and decided I'd run this

Inviting

2011-06-23T09:25:00.000-05:00