Just a day

Weird place today.
So much that I don't understand. The past seven months has been a bit of a blur and though I am reasonably content with life, there is a good size hole still left in me. I still remember things, I still find I care and I struggle still to let go, to not act on my thoughts or dreams.

It doesn't seem to matter how busy I keep myself or how many good books I read or friends I make or people I minister to, some things just never die and I wonder often if this one ever will or was it even suppose to.
Maybe it's the time of year. Holidays, special events, memories are all over the place right now and that makes it more difficult. It isn't a heavy weight or a paralyzing burden, it's just a haunting.
I feel whole, I feel healed and in these times, I feel a sense of loss that has to either be spoken or suffered through until life invades again and takes it away.
I am not blind to the hidden victory of it all in that these events do not defeat me anymore, they are just there but not debilitating to my physical being.

On a different subject, I realized something the other day that hasn't hit me before. Like any good recoverer, I like to ponder the past at times and look back at it for insight into the future. It dawned on me that in my past when life took me down, my physical reactions were very destructive. I would literally suffer physical symptoms of a stress. What I realized was that it wasn't that the events were all that bad or even mattered, it was the physical onset the event triggered that started me in a downward spiral. This may mean nothing, or it may be a bit of a breakthrough. I assumed during those times that I was experiencing some massive loss when the real problem was that my body was hung in a loop. Weird symptoms like a tingling in my arms that felt like a thousand needles poking me. A restlessness came from that and kept me from resting.

Anyway, if I take this and apply it to life in the moment, it gives me something to keep an eye out for. I think we are so bombarded with the psychology of healing, we don't realise there is physiology as well. What is really a nothing to us emotionally seems like a monster simply because it has caused some ridiculous physical reaction.

Well, that's about it for today. Sometimes I just have to write and see the words form in front of me to get me beyond where my brain is at the moment.