Undone

As another birthday draws close, I start into reflection mode, as usual.
I heard a song this morning by Rush of Fools titled Undo. I had heard it a few times before but today was just one of those days when I heard the words.
Granted, much of what I had become has been undone, but when I near another year older, I can't seem to help but notice there is more to be undone and at times, that which apparently needs re-undoing.. I feel very prodigal at times as if I am in a constant state of coming back, again. I hate it more than words can describe. Makes me wonder if the famous prodigal son went away again and it just wasn't recorded.
It's not like I go far nor like I go physically, but in my mind I drift away. For me sometimes, that is almost as bad.
Life seems to be flying by at jet speed now. I don't do well with that. I see and feel a ton of waste and a desperate desire to not waste anymore. Yet each evening when I lay down and the days tape plays, I fail to see or feel accomplished. My clean bathroom just doesn't seem to be enough. Something is still missing.
I am not discouraged though. I have learned how to live out the seasons and watch and wait. Having learned it though doesn't mean I like it or am very good at it. I feel this constant 'on the verge' of something feeling but the something never comes.
So, that's about it. Pretty dull stuff huh? Maybe I am afraid the last half of life will be dull and lifeless which doesn't quite fit my plans of ending it completely worn out, scarred and bloody having worn out my heart and body in good ways. I don't want to die all pretty and clean. I want to be completely drained and used up.
I don't want  my tombstone to read Loving Dad or Loved as a person... I want it to say something more like.. Yea Baby!!!