No News is Know News

Well, there isn't really much to write about lately. Certainly nothing of any real value to any ones recovery journey.


I spend my time lately just keeping busy, which I thoroughly hate, to keep the beast at bay. I find myself "in the zone" lately. The zone of constant hormonal rage and battle. It comes and goes, that's nothing new. The only thing new these days is how I deal with it. I suppose the only thing victorious I can see is I suffer the battle alone without involving anyone else. I figure taking the hits without dragging anyone else down with me is better. My preference would be to not fight this annoying fight at all, but hey, at least I'm not dead, right? At the very least.

In the meantime, I find myself part of a miniature worship band which is kinda fun.

Last Saturday was our first night to try to whip the congregation into a worship mode. We had practiced only twice and each time I couldn't seem to find a rhythm I liked. However, Saturday night with the 60 or so people who came sang loud and added to what was happening, a groove came over me and all was good. I found I could hear where to play, where to be quiet and the rhythm I felt settled in well. I wasn't nervous or had any feeling I was being watched, which was a concern. I don't want eyes on me when we do that, but eyes on Him. If the sound and beat of the drum help that, then the reason for being there is fulfilled.

There is always an ever present danger of becoming the focus and to feel like you are there to entertain an audience. I have seen it before where real musicians have passed from using a gift to help others focus to a place of becoming the focus. I don't want that to happen. Personally I'd rather be behind the crowd completely. It's all new there so in time, that may actually be the case. For me, it was a step into an uncomfort zone and I like those places.

As far as keeping busy for the sake of being busy, I'm not sure that's a zone I like. I don't think I'm afraid of being alone in the battlefield of my mind, I have certainly been there many times before, I just don't feel like fighting right now. I am feeling the cage lately and I struggle between finding a way out and resting withing the bars. Usually I find a way out.

Like I said, not much of value here, it sort of is what it is for now.