Haunted

Although the weekend was good all in all, I was once again reminded by one of the "reminders", just how bad my past was and just how everyone that matters to me remembers.

Who are the reminders? Reminders are a group of people who have taken on the duty of reminding me of who I am, well, to them, who I am. It's their job and they are good at it. They like to point out to me each mistake, although, to them they aren't mistakes, they are acts of evil that define me and are actions that will prevent me from ever being not alone.

Even though I have learned with this particular reminder to delete the texts as they flood in without reading them, the initial assault is there and the thoughts of  "are they right?" creep in little by little. Maybe they are. Maybe there is no escape.

I sat Friday night at a Casting Crowns concert with my oldest daughter. I had actually invited someone else to go but that didn't work out so I took my 10 year old to her first concert. I can't help but wonder if that person remembers as well. I listened to the words of the Song East to West with the words from the reminder ringing in my ears. God makes a choice that all we have done is no more and that is a good thing. But my reality is, my total existence is not with God alone, it is here on this earth with His supposed children, and for them, there is no East or West. There is right here, right now and every year past is still with me. Every bad decision lingers as if to say, "yes, it would be wonderful to live this or that, BUT.... remember when you...? You are still paying for that one"
The song has a line, if I can remember it correctly, "I start the day the war begins; endless reminding of my sins" That is how I live. And no lectures please, I already know it's not the way to live, but it is what it is and many times those around me prove it out.

I am almost desperate at times to run. To sell everything and go somewhere and start new. I know the people will be the same, just different faces, but to them, I will be new. I can be with them who I am now and not who I once was. It's a nice thought, but a waste of brain to think it. It isn't going to happen.

In keeping with my mentor Davids example, I will not end this writing without hope. I know even in the midst of my past whirling around in my head today, that God is behind me. That He has forgotten and that He will press on with me if I don't quit. Though I want to quit, I won't. He will shelter me too and He will lay these enemies at my feet and just as David did, I too will have mercy on them when they are there.