Much of what I write lately probably doesn't seem recovery related. At least that is a thought I thought sitting in almost two hours of traffic this morning. People really drive with their heads up their butts.. I digress.
Anyway, then the thought hit me, much of what seems to come out in this blog now may not seem directly related to recovery, but it is. It is life after recovery. It is the cycle of living in a mode of maintenance. It is the normal day to day of living life an event at a time. Events that the severely addicted or codependent me would have turned into little mini dramas and wallowed in for years. Today, they are dealt with and moved on from. They aren't sexed or drank away. They aren't ignored or blown into fits of rage and manipulation. They come, they go. I stay in the river, hit the log, keep floating.
Today my spirit is more joyful and generally pretty happy. While I remember all the bad and the struggle, and am aware there will be much more, I look forward. My times of recovery talk and thinking on the past is either part of a conversation or a glance in the rear view mirror to be sure I am not repeating anything.
Every now and then I will notice someone hits this blog from a site that has me in a list of top 100 recovery blogs. I'm not real sure how legit that is, but it does produce a little traffic. I suppose if you get here from there, you may want to go back 3 years and read because what seems to come out now is just life.
I once heard it said, and I agree completely, recovery is recovering the life we were born to live. Recovery is not simply surviving day to day. Of course, that isn't how it is at first. At first it's a nightmare of mistakes, tears, withdrawals, rejections, rages and self realizations on an almost daily basis. Pain and loneliness are daily companions. Relapse is always hanging like a cloud. But as time goes by, lessons sink in. We start to see ourselves repeating a pattern. We see our pride and selfishness before us like a road sign; then, things start to change. Buy a good mirror.
Ever so slowly things start to click. The tumblers fall into place and we start to really see who we really are; who God shoved us out of our mama's to be. Not who garbage and life turned us into.
The old saying about the definition of sanity is so true. We live with an idea of what we need or what we should be and no matter how many times it craps out, we believe so deeply that it Should work, that we continue over and over and over again. True recovery is not just about "one day at a time" or "easy does it" or even a program, recovery is about getting back who you are and were meant to be and living it! The cliches and programs are how we stay the course once we get there because without them, we are almost certain to start drifting back.
So, if you have wandered in here for the first time, I apologize there isn't to much good advice or how to here lately. However, I hope that in some way I can write things in a way that represents where recovery can take you. And yes, it seems a little boring and dull. Compared to chaos, drama, relapse and non stop pain and suffering, it is boring. But behind the scenes, my life today is anything but boring. I have deep deep friendships, I adore my children now and they aren't this pain in my ass, well, sometimes.. I am fit and healthy, mostly. I go and do and live in joy even when the poop hits the fan. I mess up, I get up. I love and care and am loved and cared about. I kayak and ride my Harley and worship in ways I never thought I would.
So these are the things I prefer to write about now and much less of the struggle. Believe me, I remember everyone of them, I just don't want to relive them until I need to.
If you are new to the journey, if you have decided to quit something. Make one more choice to quit one more thing. Quit hanging on to any piece of what you became and let the one who built you in the first place wreck you and recover you. The designed can not tell the designer how to design.
Peace
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