Despite the reality that in general, I am pretty happy these days, alone still, but happy; there is a sadness on me from watching those around me, some I care deeply for stuck in loops. Repetitively going around the same circle over and over again. They refuse to look even for a second into the depths of what makes them do what they do or think the things they think. It hurts! they say. well, yea. So does a scab. Healing hurts. A bone hurts more healing from a break than the break did. But what the hell? you are hurting already, so why not just swap pains. At least this one has an end in sight.
I said long ago in some meeting somewhere; I've been to so many I've lost track; that satan infects our little wounds when we are very young. He invades our normal scars, blows them into these huge lies about ourselves that at that age we easily believe. Then, once we set about the business of living those lies, all he has to do is sit back and watch. From those moments on we destroy ourselves. All he did was light the fuse and wait for us to blow. And we always do.
At this point in recovery, I see these things like blinking neon signs on my loved ones foreheads and there is not one thing I can do about them. I could walk into a room of strangers and speak and the years of learning and piddly amounts of knowledge I have gained on these things would be heard and received. Amongst those that matter most to me, I don't know shit.
Maybe it's the way I speak or don't speak, I don't know. I am sure I need to learn to communicate better, but also, there are times when I shouldn't say anything because they simply won't listen. My struggle then is to live with that. Talk about a CoDA trigger! God bless ya and walk off. While I am getting much better at it, I still need that team of mules at times to pull me away. But I am much better now..twitch twitch..
0 comments:
Post a Comment