Five Years

It's funny how even though we preach a day at a time, somehow we still find a joy in anniversaries. Today is my fifth year sober from alcohol. I am not sure why these markers are a big deal, but somehow they are and 5 seems to be a big one.
The battle leading up to this day in the last few months has been intense. The forces that be that seem to manipulate us and circumstances have been really busy around me lately. More stress, more loss and confusion. Loneliness, while a constant companion, has been amplifide and the old lies of who I am have played loud and clear for abouut 3 months. Just when you think they have silenced for good, the tape rewinds and starts over. (Recovery lingo pre Mp3's)
But for today though, I feel pretty OK. Making some new relationships, nuturing some old ones and scanning the horizon hoping to get a glimpse of God's next goodness, or next lesson.
In the meantime, there are still kids to love on, bills to pay, dishes and clothes to be washed and the endless list of "stuff" to do. Time has become the most valuable thing I don't own and it is speeding up.
Some-days the cage seems very small.
Anyway, I don't have a whole lot to say of value regarding the five year mark other than it has been a painful mystery that still confuses me every morning. All the tears and pills and words over a five year period have made it till today for some reason which I am still unclear on. So many battles come and gone. So many times of being sick of it all and moments away from turning back, wow, I can't even count how many times. But each time some little something has been enough. Maybe not enough to step forward, but just enough to prevent stepping backwards. There have been a few of those too, but most of time not.
That stake in the ground is so far back in the distance now it is only a speck, if only the lies of the past were as well. I think at times the best we can do is continue to replace the lies with the truth, but make friends with the lies all the same because they may never completely leave. That isn't my first choice, but at least in some way, I can still call them lies yet choose not to party with them anymore.