More to Grieve

My eyes are swollen from crying, my cheeks are sore from grinning this morning from a night of tears and laughing. Losing yet another good friend. Fortunately this time its not the same sort of loss I have grown use to, but still, another loss.
About five years ago after years of searching for intimacy and love in every wrong way I could, I discovered them within a group of men. I found real love within the bond of a small band of brothers with their own stories of pornography, excessive drinking and failed marriages. It started as a men's study group I was invited to. When I first met them, I still had my mask on. I wasn't all that messed up, I hadn't really failed that much. I knew what I was doing and I knew I could fix things. What a fool I was. Eventually my wall of cards that was protecting me fell but this little band picked me up and held me up. We have been holding each other up ever since.
About two years ago, a very special brother entered the picture. He was a new relationship to me, but not to the rest. He had returned to town with his addictions fully in tact and that is when I came to know him. Who knew that the the teacher would eventually become the student. I was asked to come talk to him because he needed help. He was a mess and afraid to try to not be. About a year ago he finally had had enough and has been sober ever since. Today he packs his belongings to leave us and move to Texas to take a job at a large church to be their minister of worship and he takes with him his sobriety and wisdom that he gained here and I am going to miss him as much if not more than any love I have ever known.
We really had little time actually spent together. Most of the things we spoke of doing never happened, yet the time we did have was rich in ways and we shared a common bond of bondage and we told each other exactly like it was without fear of rejection or abandonment. I wish I could say the same about the women I have loved and lost for the slightest disagreement. It's the difference between speaking from integrity and true love and empty words that come from a place of selfishness and manipulation. True love speaks what is hard to say and knows that their words are real. It's a love that endures pain for the beloved, as I will endure this one for a true friend. We knew when the other was full of shit and we told each other so. He knew when I wallowed and I knew early in his recovery when he was lying to me and even though physically he will be gone, he won't be gone, and that too is a thing I wish I could say about others that have blown through my life.
Whatever I have is his. Whatever good that may be in me, whatever wisdom or peace or healing God has given me, I give to him to take with him; but I am still going to miss him and today, my heart is heavy and my pack weighs me down.