Crossroads

I went last night to say goodbye to an old drinking buddy. Well, he was more than that, but the reality is, we drank a lot. My mind is flooded today. Memories of the distant and recent past whirl around and I am having trouble stopping the twister.


My friend lived on his own terms. While God, life and my own failures took me to a path of needed change, my friend simply lived his life. He married and stayed married. He accumulated a mass of friends that packed the funeral home last night. He laughed, he worked, he played. He lived.

So, I guess I am confused today. I shouldn't compare, but I am anyway. In comparison, I have taken on the pain of becoming something new, or someone new. In comparing, I am now wondering what for. So far, no one seems to notice or even care but me. Those who I thought did care or should have, in the end it turned out they couldn't care less about the newness and in the end wanted no part of it. I'm not sure now what they do want to be a part of. More meaningless, shallow relationships apparently. But I wonder, maybe shallow is the way to go. Maybe faking life and spirituality is what works. Maybe self absorption and a life of taking from others works. It didn't the first 35 years of my adulthood, maybe it can now. It seems to work for others. Maybe going back to life where my words have no substance and my loves have no intimacy or depth to them was the better choice. I just don't know right now.

I suppose though, if I weigh both lifestyles, I prefer to maintain this one. I will continue to live this way in the hope that as I walk this path I will learn to pay closer attention and in time only gather people of true character and willingness to fight for me and live life around me. Who will love me with their heart and not just their body when it suits them. Whose words have a value and whose honor is true. I just have to become better at recognizing who is real and who is pretending.

Every moment that passes for me stretches my ability to withstand, to not act out or inflict pain. To continue to place the well being of others ahead of my desire to rid myself of my own pain. This is a CODA nightmare. This is the truest test I have gone through to not try to control or manipulate in order to ease the hurt inside me. I must believe there is purpose in this and that all I have learned will one day prove valuable and important. There must be a reason, an explanation for it all. I'm tired of the battle, I'm tired of watching those I love keep doing what they have always done and expecting things to change, I'm tired of the constant war in my mind to understand and capture my discouragement, disappointment and anger and turn it into health.

I feel once again like a caged up animal, prepared to do something yet forced to just sit.
My pain lately seems to be two fold. The caged up animal wants to be set loose on the hurting and addicted. To be able to have an influence from God onto the people I love so much and those I don't even know yet to keep them from having to go through all I have been through. The other part of my pain comes from a desire in me to not only hear fake words that what I have become is valued and noticed, but then the words to be backed up by a desire to take what they say and want to share in it with me and to be in my life. Can I exist without it, of course. Do I want to, no. I don't hunt for it or even try to make it be so, but I desire it. I just need to stop expecting it from those that should get it, other believers, and open my eyes maybe to those who weren't indoctrinated with rules and regulations and be open to those who, like me, are learning it straight from the Father and not from our daddies.