After a rough couple of days of remembering the losses of the past year or so, I was headed home yesterday and realized that my job now, my only way to freedom for myself is going to be through yet more forgiveness. I focussed and prayed it all last night and will continue to today. The kicker is, within myself, I can't. My mind is flooded with confusion, memories and a lot of anger. So the only hope I have, as always, is to let Him take care of it. My part, if any, is to just repeat the words over and over again until one day, it's just gone.
I continue to make good choices and float in that river. Banging my head on a lot of logs lately, but I won't get out. If I go back to trying to fix me, make order and control life and everyone around me, I will fail and be right back here again. Life isn't meant to be in control and it is pure fear that sends us down that path of getting everything clean on the outside and getting everyone else to cooperate so there are no surprises. It don't work that way and how incredibly boring it would be if it did. If all our gardens were perfect and our homes dead quiet and spotless. What a waste of energy and time and missed blessings.
This is a rough spot in the road He has brought me down, but that is OK. I've been on much rougher ones. I still feel like a throw away, expendable, unwanted man. I look at the changes in me and am confused because I remember what I once was and look at God and throw up my hands. Not much makes sense. But I still choose Him and hope at least He still chooses me. Like the song says, there will be a day.
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