Confused

I’m almost 52 years old. I spend my weekends either playing dolls, or taxiing little girls to things that I should be taxiing grandchildren to. My house stays mostly a mess of toys, children’s clothes and towels. I sleep, eat and take care of life around here alone with no prospect and dying hope of that changing. I struggle with the battle to stay sober and travel a journey of change alone as well, and no real hope of any companion to go that road with me as well.


Today, I get word that one of my oldest acquaintances, a drinking buddy mostly that I knew for near 28 years has died in his sleep. He was my age. Tonight, confusion overwhelms me and I struggle to recall how I got here, I struggle to remember why I stay. As I live life around my little home, I have a myriad of reminders of life and loves gone by. My home is one big reminder of past mistakes and regrets. I am not blind to the blessing of being alive and having a home, but as I look around, I can’t remember how I got here. I am very confused. I feel discouraged and very alone. Yea, I’m alive, not the one who didn’t wake up this morning, and I suppose I am grateful for that, but as I jogged today at my usual place, my mind flashed to a scene in Cool Hand Luke of Luke standing on the road, looking up into the rain and lightning saying, “that’s what I thought, Just standing in the rain, talking to myself”.

Sometimes, I think, I gave it a good try. I use to be an incredibly selfish, childish man. I sought and conquered whatever I wanted. Life was about me. In the previous 5 years come September, I did my best to undo all that damage; To turn my life into something else. To treat those I have loved differently and put them first. Tonight, I am realizing it was all for nothing. As I jogged today I prayed for God to give me something. Show me why and for what have I done all this? Why all the pain; all the tears and all the loss. The only word out of the ordinary today is news of death.

I’m not sure what I’ve left undone. I’m not sure why even though He has caused me to change, He has also taken from me the moments of hope that maybe I won’t walk this road all by myself. Tonight, I am very confused and feeling very unwanted and weary. There really isn’t anything more I can do. I suppose if I knew what it was, I would do it. I also suppose that if I did, I would put no hope in it.