Bitter Sweet

In spite of the fact that a true and deeply loved friend is on his way to Texas, it is a good day. Bitter and yet sweet. He needed to go and to try his wings away from us and the security and comfort of the people who know him already. I suppose we all have to try our wings out at some point.


I am looking back at the last few months with mixed feelings, mostly good ones, but still mixed. I see victory and yet some regret. I see wholeness yet feel a slight emptiness on occasion, but the occasions are getting fewer and further between.

Thoughts in the last few days are many and hard to describe in writing but in the end, I can see huge growth in me. The part I don't like is that my faith and trust in people, that shouldn't be much to start with, has taken a dive. I feel a bit cynical and numb towards people, especially those who pose as people of faith. Looking back, my deepest disappointments have come from them. Granted, I gave them too much power and set them up on pedestals they didn't deserve, but that is my own issue. Yet still, when their mask finally fell, it took me down. So now, I struggle to believe any ones words ever again. I am finding that as I meet new people, I don't believe much of anything they say. I am trying to fight this, but not very hard. I wonder if maybe it should be this way for a time. Its been said of me and is true, I have given too much, too soon and it has always bitten me.

So, as a pendulum swings to extremes before finally settling to a center, I suppose my trust in others can swing to an extreme distrust until I am proven otherwise.

I struggle a bit in the last few days with the fact I needed my friends so much in the last few months. Even though the time span for getting back on my feet was nowhere near what is was even 2 years ago, it was more than I would have liked it to been. I was forced to reach often to people that should have been reaching to me but I was out of the office for a time. At least today, that is no longer the case. I am back on my feet on firm ground and am back to being me. I am back to where I can again be the teacher, the warrior and the one who can carry my pack and still absorb the weight of my real friends burdens as well when needed. I really, and I mean REALLY hate it when I am the one on the ground and in need of the lift back to where I was before.

The good news this time is I take with me this education given me by unlikely teachers forward. I will listen more carefully and my eyes will pay closer attention to the words spoken and will not assume they are true without proof. I will simply remind myself of the golden rule and if what I give is not returned, I will give no more and walk away. It really isn't anymore complicated than that. I will let others be in their selfishness and inability to love or give or care. I don't need it, don't want it and it isn't my job to teach simple respect and character to people whose daddies didn't teach it to them to begin with. I have enough on my own plate yet to learn from my daddy.