Breaking on Through

Finally, some breakthrough.


I have known for almost 2 months now that there was some victory near, I had no idea what it would look like, just that it was near.
The whole control and codependency thing has always been my biggest battle, and although I wouldn't call the war over, most certainly some large, bloody battles have been won.
Making new choices now and capturing those thoughts that have usually lead me to try to control life around me and set my planets back into a state of spinning chaotically, you know, comfortable.
I would love to say those days are totally over, and if I had to put figures to it, I would say 85-90% over. That's pretty good considering my past. I'm not satisfied with that of course, but its not too shabby. I can live with it for now.
Trying to create an excitement in me for the future. This is not an easy task, I bore easily and many hours are spent in prayer hoping God will replace what is usually dysfunctional excitement for His ordained duty. I have a theory that if He laid it plainly in front of me what to do, then what normally would be a bad behavior that excited my passions would be replaced by and even greater passion and thrill. We'll see. Still waiting on that one.
Throughout my recovery, I have often thought that if there was just something equally as powerful as destructive acting out that could fire my brain off in healthy ways, but just as consuming, I would have this stuff knocked. To be honest, that really hasn't happened as yet.
Oh, I will have momentary periods when I could raise the passion in me and do something I felt important that gave my addict brain a thrill and accomplished His good, but those times seem hard to come by.
So, anyway, I sit with my new growth and breakthrough and hug on it awhile. Hopefully though, I don't have to just sit for long. Hopefully, He is on a roll with me and this isn't just a drizzle. Hopefully, it's the calm before a massive storm of hope and goodness.

Let it be so!